Anedota do Dia

O BALDE



Um velho senhor tinha um bonito lago na sua enorme herdade.
Durante bastante tempo deixou de dar o seu passeio até ao lago. Mas naquele dia, decidiu ir ver se estava tudo em ordem.
Pegou num balde para trazer fruta das árvores do pomar. E, ao aproximar-se do lago, ouviu vozes femininas, animadas, divertidas...
Era um grupo de mulheres, muito jovens, a tomar banho no lago, completamente nuas. Todas fugiram para a parte mais funda do lago, deixando apenas a cabeça fora da água.
Houve uma que gritou:
- Não saímos daqui enquanto o senhor não se for embora!
O velho respondeu:
- Calma moças, eu não vim até aqui para as ver a nadar ou para as ver a sair nuas do lago!
Mostrando o balde, acrescentou:
- Eu só vim dar de comer ao jacaré...
Moral da história:
Idade, experiência e esperteza, sempre triunfarão sobre a juventude e o entusiasmo

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice, slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he’d still be alive!"

Four guys were sitting around having drinks when one of the men went to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. He's so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for Christmas. The second guy said, "damn, that's terrific! my son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift! the third man said. "well that's terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion! the 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? one of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons "what about your son?" they asked the 4th guy. the fourth man replied, "my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said," that's a shame what a disappointment. The fourth man replied. "nah, I'm not ashamed he's my son and i love him and he hasn't done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, Etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..." He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long I'll be right back. I promise.

OK? "You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know... there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?.......

"LISTEN UP SHIT HEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKING BEER IN YOUR DAMNED FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!
GOT IT, ASSHOLE?" ...and, they lived happily ever after.

Um casal recém-casado só tinha sido casado por duas semanas. O marido, apesar de muito no amor, não podia esperar para ir para fora na cidade e festa com seus velhos amigos. Então, ele disse à sua nova esposa: "Querida, eu volto."

"Onde você está indo, coochy COOH?" perguntou a mulher. "Eu estou indo para o bar, muito cara. Vou tomar uma cerveja."

A mulher disse: "Você quer uma cerveja, meu amor?" Ela abriu a porta da geladeira e lhe mostrou 25 tipos diferentes de cerveja, marcas de 12 países diferentes: Alemanha, Holanda, Japão, Índia, etc

O marido não sabia o que fazer, ea única coisa que ele poderia pensar em dizer foi: "Sim, lolly pop ... mas no bar ... você sabe ... eles têm copos congelados ..." Ele não chegou a terminar a frase, porque a mulher o interrompeu, dizendo: "Você quer um copo gelado, o rosto de cachorro?"

Ela pegou uma caneca de cerveja enorme fora do freezer, tão congelados que ela estava ficando arrepios só de segurá-lo. O marido, parecendo um pouco pálido, disse: "Sim, Tootsie Roll, mas no bar eles têm esses canapés que são realmente delicioso ... Eu não serei tempo eu volto. Prometo.

OK? "Você quer hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" Ela abriu o forno e tirou cinco pratos de salgadinhos diferentes: asas de frango, suínos em cobertores, bonés, tiras de carne de porco cogumelo, etc

"Mas meu doce mel ... no bar ... você sabe ... não há palavrões, palavrões e tudo o que ..."

"Você quer palavras sujas, gracinha? .......

"Listen Up CABEÇA MERDA! Beber sua cerveja PORRA em sua caneca DAMNED FROZEN e comer seu SNACKS porra, porque você não vai a lugar nenhum!
GOT IT, idiota? "... E eles viveram felizes para sempre.

by google translate

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.. It was fascinating.' The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Walter raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Walt before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Little Walter said, 'My aunt has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.

O professor pediu à classe que usar a palavra 'fascinar' em uma frase.

Molly levantou a mão e disse: 'Minha família foi para a fazenda do meu avô, e todos nós vimos a sua ovelha de estimação .. Foi fascinante. "O professor disse: "Isso foi bom, mas eu queria que você usar a palavra 'fascinam, não fascinante".

Sally levantou a mão. Ela disse: "Minha família foi ver Rock City e eu estava" fascinado ". O professor disse, 'Bem, isso foi Sally bom, mas eu queria que você usar a palavra "fascinar".

Little Walter levantou a mão. O professor hesitou porque ela tinha sido queimado por Walt Pouco antes. Ela finalmente decidiu que não havia nenhuma maneira que ele poderia danificar a palavra 'fascinar', então ela o chamou.

Little Walter disse, 'Minha tia tem uma camisola com 10 botões, mas seus peitos são tão grandes que ela só pode prender oito.


Tradutor google

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A MARRIED IRISHMAN WENT INTO THE CONFESSIONAL AND SAID TO HIS PRIEST, 'I ALMOST HAD AN AFFAIR WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance,

say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park.... then the electricity goes out.
Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”